“I can’t keep living a lie”

That’s what the Bee said to me, sobbing, at her birthday dinner.

It seems that she had only told 2 friends about the fact that landisdad and I have separated. And there were 3 girls coming to her birthday party—a sleepover—the next night who didn’t know about it.

She was worried that people would make fun of her. She said, “I’m supposed to be this perfect girl, and now they’ll know that I’m not perfect!”

Oh. Bee.

I told her, no one’s life is perfect. I told her that when I told people that landisdad and I were getting divorced, some were shocked, because it looked like we had the perfect life. I told her that she would see that her friends didn’t really care.

Mostly I held her while she sobbed.

12 is a hard age. I remember that.

As it turned out, I don’t think any of the girls noticed or cared when I left the party, around 9 pm. They did notice when I came back the next morning, because I was carrying a huge box of doughnuts—but I think it was the doughnuts that caught their eye, rather than me in street clothes, obviously showered.

After we ate breakfast and the  girls went home, one by one, the Bee asked if she could come back to my apartment with me. She did her homework while I did some stuff on the computer for work. She hung out with a stray kitten the kids insisted I take in, that I haven’t found a home for yet. She looked at some of her presents.

We drove back to landisdad’s for dinner, and after we ate, I came back here. Around 10, she texted me that she couldn’t sleep, and that she wanted to talk to me–I offered to call her, but she said she didn’t want to talk on the phone. I told her to think about things that made her happy at the party, and that we’d see each other today.

I don’t know what’s going on inside her head. But I’m hoping she lets me in.

October 3, 2011. kid reaction. 5 comments.

the school year has begun

and with it, the schedule crazy. I always hate September–between the beginning of school & all the school-related events; a huge, week-long meeting I’ve gotta do for work; and the Bee’s birthday, it’s a crazy, crazy month. This year is no different, in that respect.

The Bee has decided to play field hockey again this fall. She was assigned to honors Language Arts & honors Math–when did they start having honors classes in middle school? The Language Arts teacher assigned a 5 paragraph essay. On the first day of school. Her field hockey schedule has her not getting home until 5, and then it’s time to watch a little tv before dinner, and then spend the whole evening doing homework.

The Potato and I have been working on cleaning up his room, a little bit. We went to back-to-school night at the elementary school last night, and looking at his desk was so refreshing. It seems he CAN keep some space neat, if he’s really motivated. His room at the old house looks like it should be eligible for FEMA relief. Perhaps one can have too many Legos….

We’re supposed to be signing him up for karate this fall, but neither landisdad nor I have gotten around to it. But he needs something to do if he’s not going to play soccer. That boy has energy to burn. His wiggling is legendary.

September 14, 2011. family life. 2 comments.

it wasn’t until I saw one of those

“one year ago today” posts on Facebook that I remembered that today is the one year anniversary of the fight that ended my marriage.

I guess it’s progress, of a sort, that I had almost forgotten that I spent all of Labor Day weekend 2010 curled in the fetal position on the living room couch.

A lot has changed in that year.

The kids are staying with me this week, and we’re off. We’ve been doing a lot of banal stuff—shopping for school supplies and sports equipment, new shoes and outfits.

A couple of nights ago, I was lying on my bed, reading, and the Potato wandered in for a cuddle. I said to him, “you like to start and end your day with a snuggle, don’t you?” and he laughed and said, “yes.” Now, every night he comes in and lies down next to me for a few minutes—he’s already had the long-established practice of jumping into bed with me in the morning (which he does with an unseemly glee on the coldest winter mornings, with his cold feet).

The kids will be staying with me much less when the school year starts. We’ll be back to our old routine, where I spend the evening with them at their house, and come back to my apartment alone.

I wonder, if I had known a year ago what I know now, what I might have done differently.

September 2, 2011. separation. 3 comments.

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